A year long I was living this person, living as endsofastring.
I don’t know why I decided to let this blog be this way. Not that I’m proud of it, okay, I’m actually not, lol. My motive was to get in touch with me, and I failed it.
But I gained a lot of experiences, a lot many memories, that I’ll never forget. This blog was like the other side of me, and all through the year..I tried to just be one single person. A happy, carefree girl, the way my friends saw me. And what I discovered was, that no, I can’t be smiling always, that I can be sad, it’s a part of me. All this time, only 3 people got to really know me, my personality. Once I’d told them, I got scared. Scared that they would hurt me..in the worst way possible. I would be broken, if they left me, if they hurt me. I was right too. I got hurt, once, twice, thrice…ten times. And blaming these closest friends of mine, and myself for making the mistake of befriending them, I cut off everyone..and just kept the “fast friends”..the ones, for whom I was the coolest person alive with only happiness in life.
I broke these friendships, and in the process, I guess..I was in depression(oh, damn.). I stopped smiling as much(in school I was cool though :P)..I stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep etc etc. (This is all very recent). How did I cope up? I don’t know myself, I guess I just am not used to being sad all the time, so I just kind of cried some days, and then I was back to normal. When I was normal, once of those close friends came back to me(during my physics practical test)..and she said,”I don’t understand your fuck logics. The one friend who is your best friend..you leave her, and tell her to become a stranger. And the other friend, you should be leaving..you’re running after her friendship”. Oops. I tried to tell her what I’m scared of, and how I’d completely lost faith in friendship..but she didn’t understand. And I’m glad she didn’t, because after a while all was normal again.
What happened to the other 2 friends? I couldn’t just simply say bye to one of them..couldn’t cut him off, because he isn’t the heart-to-heart talk person..He knows me the best, but I fail to be sad around him. I just avoided his calls for a while, after which I was stalked on my whatsapp. Damn, caught 😛 So, while I tried to be morose and explain it to him, he made fun of me, made me laugh..and I let of of the pain when I talked to him. Things never went bad with him.
The third one. Oh, I’ve had a crush on him, twiceee. And I’d told him too. Lol. It waaas big deal for me, alright? 😛 But it was easy because it was all “online”. Aha. But..we just ended our friendship like a day ago. Very saddening. I already miss him, I hope he doesn’t see this though. I guess..because it was all online, I never understood him..while he did understand me. And really respected my feelings, and choices. But online friendship? And issues like..me always texting first(which obviously got to me)..and him not trying to stop me, I couldn’t take it. Besides, he was still a stranger. And I couldn’t endure the pain..of him leaving or not saying anything. So, there..I left him, before he could. But he was my favorite person. I hope he does good.
About the good things, I finally like a guy who..is like an angel. I even wrote poetry for him, but now..I’ve decided not to share. Not because it isn’t good, trust me it’s my favorite…it’s something that I’ve written for myself..and him. It’s only him. Next thing, I have an exam tomorrow that I’m definitely gonna screw up, but once in a while is okay, when the exam doesn’t create any difference in life, and I’m sure my sir will understand. After this, I have some brilliant friends, some I’ve left, some I have to..but I won’t. And lastly, the best thing was..some kind of transformation within me. Now I’ve really started to give shit about school. Lol. Although, nowadays..I’m online on whatsapp, becauseee I got sick, aargh, the summer, it’s just too much already, and thereby I have to study over the phone. 100 pages isn’t really a jokee xD I discovered, people find it cool when someone is online all the time and still manages to score well, there..task performed brilliantly. I just tell everyone, that I’m talking to a friend. Liar,liar pants on firee! XD
About the weather, it’s like almost 45 degree celsius alreadyyy. Can you imaginee? I should definitely do a post on “How to be cool this summer” Lol. Poor joke, I geddit.
Now that I’ve spoken all my shit, I feel better.
Thank you blog, for being there a year. I feel me. And that feels nice.
Always the same,
Tying the ends of a string.
P.S. A knot of dreams in head, trying to untangle, nah. Let me fulfill them all instead ❤