Inside my Dream.

I was in Santorini, Greece..when I first saw him. And all I could think in my head was,”We’re gonna be a movie”.

He glanced at me, and then, uninterested, looked out at the Russian girl party who’d arrived to join a cruise. A week long cruise, around Greece. This cruise was the reason I’d come to Greece. It was my first solo trip. It had been going as I’d thought and fantasized about since I was 15. I’d secretly worked during college days, and hid that I was doing a part time job from each one of my friends. I’d saved up the cash..and after that, begged mom to let me go. I needed time alone. I wanted to complete my bucket list, on which this cruise was number one.

As a teen, I’d thought I would find my love on this cruise. The movies made me embroider my thoughts about a perfect man. This dream became such a part of me that it began haunting me. An Australian guy, my dreams would show me him. Having brown hair, and looks to die for, having a strong magnetic field around him, attracting girls as he’d walk by. Smirking when he’d know he got me. And then his laugh would blur. And I’d wake up, horrified. Getting a stranger in my dream. I would panic how easily such a guy could destruct me.

All this while, I couldn’t take off my eyes..that guy, standing right in front of me, had those eyes. They were the eyes I’d seen in my dreams. I shrugged the thought off, thinking it to be my melodramatic effect when I see a hot guy. Then I thought about yesterday. The plan to Greece, it was all sudden. I’d gotten a new phone number so only my mom could reach me, and know I was okay. I’d left my phone back at home, thinking this to be a break..from life. So I could be myself, and leave everything away from mind, for a while. Suddenly, I felt something down. My anklets were making sounds. I saw, there was a cute dog playing with them, I felt happy to see it. It was strange how much I felt. Like I had all the emotions of the world, all the feelings dumped into one single person.

I was laughing, looking at the furry dog. I bent down and tickled it a bit. It liked me. Then an attractive voice said,”His name is Hashtag.” Trying to be cool, I said, “Hashtag cool”. Then I looked up, and I froze. I couldn’t see his face. There was so much light. Then, in my mind, I said,”Shut up”.

And the next thing I saw, was my miniature ship on my table. And my dream all gone.

I realized fantasy ruled me, and I left my thought there. I left my thought there, and beclouded mind with questions away too.

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Beautiful Ache.

I woke up this morning, with a strange feeling in my heart. This feeling, having resemblance to sadness, desolation, seemed heavy. But this didn’t mean tragedy. It meant, that now was the time to write something beautiful. Beauty comes when the pain is felt.

A broken heart feels like a thousand broken pieces of glass that have somehow entangled and are joined by some indefinite means. It feels heavier because the pieces are now having their own individual weights, so the left side of your chest has an unnatural feeling. Each time you swallow, the nerve or vein on the side of your neck that runs to the heart vibrates uneasily, you sense it every time, during your every action. Right when you press your index finger at the middle of the bottom of your neck, between all the hard bones, you feel the heavy heart beat. You feel the heart, it’s still alive.

It’s alive, despite the tears behind your eyes, the ones that are hidden from the people around. Despite the hardened eyes, and the new weird smile, that you look at in the mirror, the heart is beating, regularly, without any breaks. You place your hand over your forehead, it is very hot. Is it fever? No, that’s what your mother says. You linger on the thought of fever, or even cancer, which might seem a good thing at the time. It’s just a brain-freezing headache, that has stopped you from thinking anything logical. So is the power inside you, to disrupt everything inside your body.

How can I be the one who’s weak, then? The heart, which has been hurt the most, is still pumping life into you. The brain is jammed with beautiful bittersweet memories. It is filled with the fantasies of the nights, the ones you imagine before going to sleep. You linger on the brain and underestimate the heart. The heart, which looked beautiful red in love, seems dark.

How can I write something beautiful?

When I look at you, you look dark. I felt the pain, how was it?

It was beautiful.